oxymoronic cliche.

miss independant

angeacier — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:31:22 +0000

Dear Interwebs

Hey! Stayed up till around 2.17am last night downloading tons of old music that I lost when I switched iPods. Namely Maroon 5, Rihanna and some Leona Lewis!!! Have you heard her new single?? “Happy” is just so awesome. Perez Hilton said it made him cry (!). I also downloaded “Miss Independant” by Ne-Yo but only because Michelle Phan used it in an old video of hers *Michelle Phan is a YouTuber-makeup etc.* and I liked it, but once again, I am puzzled by rap/hip-hop videos. Why is it that they only EVER have black girls?? It’s so blatantly obvious…but why? I thought we were all about “change” and “acceptance” nowadays, and yet, we are still as a culture racist. Not just whites, everyone. Even my own friends. G and I were talking ages ago about Uni and stuff, and she said “Yeah, my sister says you’d like the journalism department, lots of hot white guys.” Yes, I am white, but does that mean I should only date white guys?? NO. To be fair, S is white, but that is merely a fluke. If you must know, YH was Korean. I liked him for ages, he was just way less accesible then S was.

School tomorrow. Got up at around 9.30 to help with all the painting of L’s room etc. and it went well…NACHOS FOR LUNCH. Those were good, but later this afternoon I am going to have a bowl of cereal, just as a release of my carbiness. It’s all going…wave bu-bye.

“Now You’re Gone” by Basshunter. J sent it to me I haven’t talked to her in ages…or G…or S…only K and Em briefly. September 7th, 2.30pm.

my rooooom

angeacier — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 17:46:15 +0000

Hey Y’all

“I used to be love drunk/but now I’m hung over” LOL. So appropriate at the moment. After stopping the whole “s” thing, I haven’t been back to the HP site…I feel kind of bad about it, but I never should have joined it in the first place, I only joined because of him and L. Anyway, good news, I spent all of yesterday cleaning my room. It took forever, but it is now near-perfect. I say near because the whole place was so effed up, there will be something lieing around, I’m sure. Still, cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean. I talked to K for ages last night, and E, but…barely at all to S. It’s like after his party we just lost the whole enjoying part of talking on FB for hours. I miss those days. Too bad, so sad.

Morning by the way, had to get up at 9.30 to help with moving stuff from L’s soon-to-be room to L’s old room. The world is dreary and raining. It’s terrible. Officially the end of summer. Kind of looking forward to it, but mainly, I miss summer. More because of the freedom then the sun, but the sun was a very VERY nice bonus.

Love

say hello to goodbye?

angeacier — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 05:52:56 +0000

If you put “?” after anything it makes it acceptable.

I had a trial session at a tae kwon doe place…I was nervous before, gratified after, and am once again nervous because I don’t want to forget everything and suck like I usually do. I am going to be so fucking busy over the next year. I can’t wait till next summer…but wait, theres a job then =___=

I HOPE I GET PLAYLAND! “Use Somebody” Kings of Leon. What did I do before this song? Am not going to talk to S tonight. Not not not. Too much heartache and dissapointment and shit. Everyone is being weird. Am I losing them all again? September 3rd, 2009, 10.51pm.

kind of an update

angeacier — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:10:44 +0000

[told yah i was bad at the whole blog thing, this is kind of an update, i hope...]

ME September 1 at 11:29pm

I’m not sure why we are so bad at this… i’m not sure i want to know.

Sara September 1 at 11:50pm

there has always been something terrifying

ME September 1 at 11:54pm

or inconvenient

Sara September 2 at 12:29am

or taboo

ME September 2 at 11:02am

or unspeakable

Sara September 2 at 7:07pm

or blinding

ME September 2 at 7:42pm

or truthful

Sara September 2 at 9:23pm

or just too damn unimaginable to consider

ME September 2 at 9:26pm

or too fucked up to say “I’m sorry”

Sara September 2 at 9:52pm

or too scared to say “I love you”

ME September 2 at 9:54pm

or too worried of what it would all do so we sit there and do nothing and then wonder why…

Sara September 2 at 9:58pm

and regret it later, but can no longer do a thing, because the subject is untouchable and is only good to tiptoe around…

ME September 2 at 10:00pm

and suddenly tiptoeing becomes too loud, so we fall and crash down and then laugh to hide the pain, and don’t want to admit when it actually was rather funny.

Sara September 2 at 10:03pm

and then can’t figure out whether laughing is disrespectful or a tension-breaker and can’t wait to run away and hide, then want to go back and relive it because the worst of times are always the most memorable, the most life-changing.

ME September 2 at 10:05pm

and so we are chasing this memory of a bad time we thought was good, or was it the other way around? and in doing so we miss the now, the stuff that’s so amazing but we never think is good enough because we’re too busy looking back to see how beautiful the tree in front of us is… until we run smack into it and then curse the bloody thing to hell for bruising our nose.

Sara September 2 at 10:07pm

and then years later we caress the blood-soaked wood and wish the tree could speak to us and remind us how trivial things used to mean the world and we didn’t worry about love and the past and everything complicated. all we worried about was the laughter and the tears and how, along the way, we realised we could control when the laughter bubbles and the tears flow. the memories that aren’t good enough are replaced by presents that never will be.

ME September 2 at 10:10pm

and then everything sort of becomes transparent and disappears, because really we’ve got nothing but each other, and then the circle goes again, fueled by nothing. And we say there are no miracles anymore, but that just was one, even if it wasn’t good. and we make jokes that make no sense just to hear laughter. and we say profound things we don’t understand to sound smarter and years later we realize we were right all along… or wrong.

Sara September 2 at 10:15pm

the profound things are a canvas upon which we paint our brilliant schemes of world domination and music beyond hearing and our childish fantasies seem so right, when all we are is wrong, or somewhere in between where grey and complimentary colours are born. polar opposites in a desert wasteland, we fight and love and wonder what the hell the world left us to do, what we were intended for. is it something great, or simply nothing…

ME September 2 at 10:18pm

but even nothing is something, right? And maybe it doesn’t matter if we are wrong or right or write, but simply that we ARE. why can’t it be enough? why isn’t it?

Sara September 2 at 10:20pm

because enough is never enough.

ME September 2 at 10:21pm

but somehow when linked with “being” it is.

Sara September 2 at 10:25pm

or when spoken with confidence, or by someone who needs no reassurances, something that i will never be, you?

ME September 2 at 10:25pm

me neither, but maybe with you.

Sara September 2 at 10:28pm

with me you will never be for various reasons stated above, and because we both know that there are secrets and lines that cannot be revealed, let alone crossed. once was enough. one time too many. what lines? the ones in sand, not yet washed away by beliefs or leaps of faith.

[i've wondered for a year whether i loved her, whether i was in love with her, whether she loved me, whether she was in love with me. wondered for a year why she kissed me. almost one year ago.]

September 2nd, 2009. 11.10pm. I have decided S isn’t worth it anymore. I’m sick of being dissapointed. He’s just a friend with tensions. Who knows.

P.S Is it awful that my first real kiss was with someone who I wasn’t dating?

bb bebe and birthdays

angeacier — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:02:39 +0000

Hey

It’s Best Buddies meeting today…in about an hour and a half I have to leave…should probably get up and eat something and get dressed, but am more into stalking facebook and writing on here. Really quickly, because I do have to go catch the bus at 10.40 and want to have enough time. Anyway, it’s S’s birthday today, at 2pm, and I am HOPING so much that the BB meeting doesn’t go for an extremely long time…Em thinks it will only last an hour, but then again she wants to “get” me at the meeting….oh dear. Anyway, I finished S’s birthday pres and card and stuff, got him West Side Story the original one, 10 academy awards or something ridiculous, and Smencils…pencil crayons that smell like various candies/pops. I know, I know, but they actually do smell like what they are supposed to, and were freaking expensive! (14.99) but I paid for those and the tissue paper and bag with Chapters gift cards I had no idea were charged. I still have like 35 bucks. SHWEET. Wtf?

Spoke to K on FB, very civil, but was also talking to S and Em, so, who knows…9.01am August 31st, 2009. “One and Only” Timbaland feat. Fall Out Boy (so old, so good)

lol, LOL

PS. Read Emily Dickinson’s “Hope is the thing with feathers” because I’ve started loving it. I’ve heard it before, but only in passing. True poetry.

PPS. OMG! I just realised I got a comment ages ago on one of my older posts…I’m sorry! I didn’t realise until now >_< but thank you so much!

pre-birthday partay…

angeacier — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:20:57 +0000

Hiz

I spent fifteen hours today along with most of the family moving N and C into their new house. Everything hurts. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep, too much sugar and caffiene. I’m talking to S and K. S just left for some reason “brb” and K is telling me about her mother…since the whole crush thing, maybe I’m now her surrogate best-friend-to-confide-in URGH.

Want to sleep now…S’s birthday in less then 24 hours….August 30th 2009 12.20am

apple of the earth

angeacier — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 01:30:26 +0000

I had no reason to be nervous.

I am now listening to “21st Century Life” at a huge volume. This song is more interesting then what we did on our “date.” My little iPod deck has great sound. Absolutely nothing happened. It was very pleasant. I feel like dying a little inside. I still have to find a brilliant birthday present. He bought me a drink, and we split the popcorn. I promised J if nothing happened I would move on…Will I? I doubt it. I will just obsess over it less. What on earth will I talk about? At least there’s K. I am being very grammatically correct. I must be upset. That was one of the few times I had a very nice conversation with GM. I went and lay down on her bed and felt sorry for myself and told her about the nervousness and the uneventful “date” and the whole K thing…She seemed very unsurprised, and unsympathetic, kind of exactly what I needed. I’ll find somebody, and maybe it will be S, but then again, maybe it won’t be. It’s just high school.

He had an idea about us writing a blog…My immediate thought was how awkward it would be if we started dating on the blog…then I told him that if he came up with an innovative and brilliant idea for a blog, then we would write one. I found out his greatgrandmother wrote a cookbook, and his great grandfather published a book of poetry. I found this out at SuperStore.

I’m going to lie down and sulk for a while, then got on with life…August 27, 2009, 6. 30pm

Loveless

“Honestly, oh honestly, this will never be, so don’t blame yourself, honestly…so why don’t we run away?”

~”Runaway” Artist vs. Poet

pomme de terre

angeacier — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:51:48 +0000

Alright

In about two hours I will be at SilverCity. I don’t really know how to feel…I feel so pressured to make SOMETHING happen, but somehow, I think it’s going to be more of a “haha we’re friends-with-tensions” thing…but maybe? Anyway, yesterday was really fun with J, I told her about the K thing and we had to leave the library because she was basically shrieking and I was laughing so hard-nervously but still-and we went outside and talked about trust and friends and WHAT THE FUCK I WAS GONNA DO. Anyway, once G came all they wanted to talk about was that novel/manga thing…I’m kind of more interested in what’s happening in real life, and they’re my best friends, but G isn’t really into that whole thing, probably the only time she’s ever let out some real emotion was when I told them about my mom at J’s sleepover. Later on MSN J helped me solve the whole K thing, I told K that I was flattered by her liking me, and was thankful she was honest, but I like someone else right now. Funnily enough, though I’ve hinted at it, that was the first time I’d actually outright told G and J about my bi-ness. G said she wouldn’t care if I started dating K-which kind of hurt actually, like, I want her to care who I date-but J totally made up for it, she was all defensive, but I know it must be hard for her…K was her best friend first, and I’m here now, but I know she cares a hell of a lot about me, and we hang way more then she and K, but still…

Anyway, in like two hours…will probably blog later today, but maybe not, I might be all depressed and shit, or very happy…I don’t want to get my hopes up…August 27, 2009, 12.50pm. S’s birthday on Mon, still have to get the majority of his present…

LOL

P.S OH! Haha, I am kind of a flirting dumbass apparently, according to J and G, I deserved the whole K thing XD and the song wasn’t “this house is a circus, bezerkus” it was “this house is a circus, bezerk as fuck” kinda screwed that one up…Am I flirtatious? Does it work? Am I just a bat?

circus, bezerkus?

angeacier — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:49:52 +0000

Hey

I still haven’t told anyone about the “K” thing, but I have other news. I am meeting with G and J today at one, mainly to discuss the novel thing I was supposed to have written…shit…but anyway, I will tell them about the K thing and discuss S and my “outing.” I’m positively unsure of what to address it as. One more day. We’re meeting at 3 outside SilverCity. I’m actually not that freaked out about it now. I found out his favourite song is “This House Is A Circus” by the Arctic Monkeys. I downloaded it, and it is actually a pretty fantastic song. We did the whole question/answer thing again, kind of rapid fire, and I’m not sure if it was because we had NOTHING else to talk about, or that I came up with it and he just needed an out from long silences…I don’t know…Anyway, still not POSITIVE about what I’m wearing, but I’m pretty sure, just casual jeans/hoodie or something. Cute but simple, not flirtatious or advantaging or anything. I keep having a daymare that Cy and Br are going to be there. That would SUCK.

“This house is a circus, bezerkus” August 26th, 2009, 10.48am

LOL
S

oh dear…

angeacier — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:57:01 +0000

11:41pm K

oh its just … i kind of had a bit of a crush on you after the first time i met ou which i wasnt going to mention cause it wierd people out but i never seem to geuss right so…its funny for me

K is a girl. And I told her I was kind of bi, and then she told me this…and now its only getting worse. What do I do???

>_< I’m talking to S about Sam Sparrow throughout all of this…

“21st Century Life”

ARGH. August 25th 2009, 11.56pm

Sara